The ugly truth about having depression anxiety, and trauma.

Have you ever been so sick throwing up or being so heartbroken over a break up it makes you hurt in ways you didn’t know was possible. That’s what it feels like for me, I cant speak for other people but for myself, it consumes me. I recently had my mental health issues take control over my life and it fucking hurts. It made my life a living hell. Not able to go to work because where I work, the girls are catty as fuck. Not able to leave my house and do the things I want to do like yoga and meet people all for the simple reason of being fully embellished in this mindset. When i’m at home no one can see me suffering and that means I don’t have to explain to anyone to why I haven't folded my laundry or cleaned the way I used to. The sick part about all of this is I am so discouraged self conscious and TIRED I am so tired but I’m the only one in the way of my own self.

So, after letting these problems go for months my therapist AND psychiatrist recommended a more intensive therapy method. So that’s what i’m doing. The amount I learned and became inspired certain skills to try after just one day is mind blowing. I was so embarrassed that at 24 I have to go get intense help because my mind decided to fuck me over. If your reading this and feel relation to me even in the slightest, don’t overthink it like me and let your problems fester and get worse. Just do it. Get your life back together as soon as you can even if like me, you can barely leave the house. It is important to want to get healthy so badly or else it will just be useless and miserable but instead of being miserable alone you will just be as miserable in a building with therapy groups. It wont work.

I finally have some hope that the time will come when my true self comes back to me. It is the first time in 3 months I have had a glimpse of hope. The truth is, mental illness can go fuck itself. The way that it makes you hate yourself, unable to handle anything is bullshit. There is a way out. I understand ego vs consciousness now. Believing your thoughts because you have convinced yourself that what your thinking is the truth. Its not the truth, its irrational. I learned something that I absolutely loved and I’m going to tell you right now it is all perspective. Imagine if someone you cared for and loved so much was treating themselves so harshly, isolating, ignoring phone calls, saying they hurt so bad they just wanna end it and their a shit person and it would be better if they weren't here. Anything your brain believes is true and your reaction to it, the way you struggle with it, is how it feels so real, so intense. Imagine what you would say to that loved one. Write down the negative thoughts and actions you take because of those evil voices in the back of your head telling you lies. After that, write down what advice you would give if those thoughts belonged to your best friends,siblings,boyfriend,anyone special in your life. How is that person in your eyes when they tell you they are thinking of themselves this way and feeling so broken, so failed? Now, write down next to every thought what you would say to them. Then, take that advice you gave them and apply it to yourself.Remember those were your thoughts and you, like your loved ones don’t deserve to feel this way. It will prove that your ego has criticized and broken you down making you feel so horrible about your life that your mind actually learned this behavior. To you, this is your truth, but in reality its really not! Isn’t that eye opening? Now, if you’ve been through a lot in your life as most of us who have these issues have been and that’s whats triggering your brain, its all in the way you let it affect you. You can choose how to deal with things, let go, not forget, but let go of that burden that’s been the underlying issue or issues for your mental health going downhill even if its been years since.

The way you are affected by something hurtful or stressful someone or multiple people do or say to you is up to you. YOU are in control of your reactions. You can choose to walk away and say I am better than them, they don’t even know the half of it. And ya know what, fuck em you don’t owe them an explanation. They don’t deserve to have control over your feelings. Especially being affected by people who honestly, are irrelevant to your life. That was a huge problem for me. Caring so much about what other people thought of me and if I was being judged and their behavior towards me. It was angering upsetting and stressful. The emotions are exhausting. Do they deserve so much of my time and energy? HELL NO. Who are they to you. Low life unhappy people. Being truly happy in life is not sinking to a level of unkindness and making someone feel isolated or uncomfortable. Happiness is doing what makes you feel good. Doing the right thing. And if avoiding confrontation or telling someone to just fuck off is what it takes. DO IT. Life is short and by letting your shitty thoughts and shitty co workers or shitty boyfriend, friend family member determine how your going to feel and how the rest of the day is going to go for you in a negative way, that’s wasting moments where you can keep going and let it go,remember you cant control other peoples behaviors, its important keep yourself in a positive mindset.

Having a voice is important and how you use it is everything. This world already has all the negative, nasty, narcissistic assholes as it is. Be the person who makes an example of kindness and shows empathy. Rid yourself of toxic people and things that move you backwards in life. Try a new path to take. Try out not drinking for a month, try out taking off time from work for self care. Just do something different because if your so focused on the end result then you will miss out on the now. Be selfish and put yourself first. Don’t take all of your energy and focus on trying to help or fix someone else and turn that around on you. Feelings of hurt, guilt, sadness, anger, everything negative, is only temporary. 6 months from now you wont even remember what made you feel this way or how stupid it was to waste so much time and energy hyper focusing on these emotions. Life is amazing because there are so many paths you can choose to follow. Your future story is not permanent if you want to take a better path through your journey. Take control of your story. Your life. Moral of this story , is do your best to stop giving a fuck and lets do our best to let go of the bullshit and get right with the important shit.

My soul purpose for being here is to express my opinions and to free write what comes to my brain without filtering anything. It’s worth the read.